|Unable to handle myself
||[May. 13th, 2013|08:05 pm]
An unapologetic reality check for gay men
Recently I have gotten involved with the online scene. Started off as a bit of an experiment really, as I was in an open relationship when I first signed up. Chatted to a few people, went on a few dates, nothing went anywhere. Then I drifted back to being single, and since then I've become a lot more obsessive about finding someone.|
For me, its become like a compulsion. I know I'll be moving to London in a few months, where there'll be plenty of opportunity to meet people, out in bars and clubs (which aren't really an option where I live at the moment). But as much as I try and rationalise it, it's apparent that my hormones and moods are pretty out of control at the moment, and all this online stuff is just feeding it. I've only had a few online chats so far, but my mind is obsessing over guys I've never even met, triggering a lot of mood swings and anxiety, which is not healthy, especially since I've got exams coming up. I have seen a number of GPs and have had Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for emotional issues in the past. I keep having it drummed into my head that it's just my development, and in a few years everything will just blow over, but there's always something eating away at my brain - I don't know if it's guilt, or shame, or lack of fulfilment - and I worry that this is just another manifestation of it. Without going into too much detail, there's been separation and conflict between my parents, as well as bullying, which I think has raised insecurities. I've been prone to self-harm one or two times, but nothing life-threatening.
Ultimately, I would like to meed a nice guy to settle down with and love in the way that I want to, but I need to overcome all this mental shit first. I fear more therapy will only lead me on the path of no avail. I want to help myself, but people won't take me seriously because I 'seem' normal on the surface and apparently haven't hit 'rock bottom' yet. They're only prepared to deal with you properly when you hit your lowest ebb.
Perhaps I should take myself off these sites until I sort myself out. Ideally I just wanted a few no strings meets, like most of the other gay guys out there, but I don't seem emotionally capable - it always seems to end in see-sawing moods, paranoia and rejection anxiety. I'm getting sick of it now, and I wonder if it's just me who has these problems. I also question if anyone would be able to put up with me because of it.
Maybe I'm not good enough to meet the right guy.